Being a Perfect Parent.. NOT!

So... originally my intention was to find enough time to come on here once a week to write, but like all good relationships, when they start, you just want to spend all your time together.  Now that the spigot has been opened, I'm sleeping even less because all those ideas I've been harboring in my mind are all trying to step up to the plate to be the next entry.  Sheesh!  I really need some sleep!

I once saw Rabbi Harold Kushner, a writer, speak at a college I was attending.  He was discussing the topic of forgiveness, but in the context of this topic, someone brought up parenting and Rabbi Kushner had a response that has stuck with me to this day.  Now... if you think I have the memory to quote it verbatim, then you don't know me very well (and since this is a blog, actually, most of you don't, LOL).  He said that it is important to show your children forgiveness but also yourself forgiveness when being a parent.  That if we never show our children that we accept ourselves as people who make mistakes and who then need to apologize for those mistakes, then we are teaching our children that to be loved you can't be wrong.  What an important message we send with a simple "I'm sorry" to our children when we are wrong so that they know we love them whether they make mistakes or not. 

I now keep that message tucked away in my heart and will do my utmost best to take responsibility for my mistakes and blunders, in front of Ari, as often as possible.  I have apologized for yelling too loud when I got mad, for accidentally whacking her against something when I am carrying her, for bumping into each other, for spilling food, and for taking apart the legos creation she has made without asking permission first.  It is easy for me to find places in my life to show off my mistakes and blunders because I am often a walking accident.  I apologize when I can't keep a promise to her or if something is taking longer than it should.  I make sure she knows that I am about as faulty as they come but that I hope she loves me anyway.  I also always make sure to reiterate to her how much I love her when I make her apologize for hitting, or throwing "the hard stuff", or yelling when I ask her to be quieter.  

The message of not being perfect has sunk in with me so much that when my husband and I were dating, at one point while driving along, I told him that I wanted him to tell me 2 things he didn't like about me.  He looked at me like I was crazy and said "I know this is some kind of test."  I said, I'm a big girl and that I truly wanted him to be honest.  

You see...  I had been in a relationship once where the person put me on a pedestal and I had hated it there.  The person refused to see ME, all of me, and whenever I would do something that didn't suit the perfect picture he had created in his head, there would be an intense argument.  Even when I finally left, this person refused to understand why it wasn't working, why it would never work, or to see me as anyone other than the picture they had in their head.  

Fast forward and we are back in the car with my then boyfriend/now husband and he's trying to come up with 2 acceptable things to say that he doesn't like about me.  He actually did really well.  He didn't like 2 things about me that I didn't know were there.  Which ended up being kind of a funny twist to it.  And here I thought I knew my flaws and, whammo, I've got some new ones.  In the end, I thanked him for being honest and said... I just wanted to make sure you saw me for who I AM and loved me anyway.

So besides apologies and imperfections in what we DO, sometimes it is hard to see our children as people who aren't going to be perfect in who they ARE.  I have never met any perfect person adult or child and I don't plan to.  Ari is a darling who likes to play, to learn, and to laugh (though this one is still new to us, she has always been very serious).  Ari is also extremely headstrong and commanding.  She tells us whose turn it is to sing a song.  If I start singing and she doesn't want it, she will outright say, "NO, It's Daddy's turn!".  She tells us precisely which CD she wants to listen to in the car and on that CD which song.  Sometimes, her commands can be complied with and it's no big deal, but sometimes of course, the parents will be the ones making the decisions and life as we know it must come to an end.  It can get aggravating and even angering.  That's okay, though.  My parents find me aggravating and angering sometimes too.  So does my husband, my friends, and I'm sure if you asked her, Ari would probably say the same thing.  We all have parts of our personalities that make us difficult in one way or another for others to get along with.  It's just another facet of who we are and we take the good perfect pieces of those we love as well as the bad messed up ones.  :)

Unfortunately, we often try to achieve being the perfect parent raising the perfect child fall far short.  I can't have a child who is cuddly but want her to also be independent, or active and happy but want her to be a good sleeper, or cautious and safe but be adventurous and aim big.  So, in some respects, this harkens back to my first post about boxes.  How can you classify any child into only all the boxes that you think are positive.  That isn't going to be fair to them and it surely isn't going to be good for your relationship.  

Guess we're left with loving them for all the wonderfully good and horribly bad things that they are.  A whole person.  Just as we hope they love us too.

To conclude this one I'm going to quote (and by quote, once again I mean paraphrase) one of my favorite teachers growing up, Mr. Hansel.  He had a twenty something daughter at the time if I remember correctly and he said, "I love her dearly, she's my daughter, I just don't like her right now!"  And that's okay!

Little one rushing in!  Gotta go!